Deflated

 I am feeling somewhat deflated at the moment. It is always hard to hear how you have failed, especially when you have worked so hard (or thought you did) to accomplish something. 

In saying that, I feel somewhat better than I did last night. I considered not blogging about this, but it is part of my journey, so I need to be able to reflect on this in the future. I can’t do that if I don’t have a reference, so here it is in my blog. 

This weekend was our first preliminary black belt fitness test. Simply put - I failed, badly. At the moment, I am reflecting on that. What caused me to do so badly, and what can I do differently for next time?

Yes, next time. There is no Quit. 

Did Quit come to mind last night? Briefly. Is that an option for me? NO. Why? That is not who I am, and it is not what I committed to. I have used the excuse of too busy, too tired, not enough time. Where did that get me? Fail. What am I going to do about it? Not fail again. How? Utilize the tools that are provided for me. Utilize the people that want to see me succeed. These sound easy right? So why did I fail in the first place? It was very evident that I was not utilizing to my full potential. It is also very evident that as much as I think I can do this on my own, I cannot. Lesson learned. The hard way. 

It is time to reset. Time to reevaluate. Time to deep dive into What am I doing? Where am I? It is past time. That is on me. So is where I go from here. Reset. 

Although this past weekend was a fail in some ways, it also provided great wins. I have immense gratitude for those that provided their valuable insights. A wealth of knowledge, and experience to help me move forward. Positively progress. I am nowhere near where I need to be, and that is such valuable information. Thank you.

It is never easy to fail. It is a blow to the ego. Am I on a path to Mastery? Remove the ego. I am grateful for everything this past weekend provided me. 

My Journey??

 If you haven't read Mrs. Kohut's most recent blog, you are doing yourself an injustice. Why am I referencing someone else's blog you may ask? Because she said it perfectly, she wrote exactly how I feel as well, and I couldn't have written that better. So thank you Mrs. Kohut! 

We were given an opportunity to evaluate ourselves as black belt candidates yesterday. And yes, this was an opportunity that I very much appreciated, and am very grateful for. While I am on this journey to Mastery, I tend to focus on what I need to do, and how I need to get there. I sometimes forget about those that are helping me get there, and missing some opportunities to  positively further my journey along the way. 

Did I do as great as I wanted to - no. Did I give everything I had to give - yes. Can I do better? Yes. I learned so much about myself and my Kung Fu in a short 5 and a half hours. Amazing. I will carry this day forward to progress, and to continue learning and growing. 

I want to thank all that have helped me along the way, and provided their guidance, knowledge, and expertise. Without all of you, I would have been lost long ago. Thank you to my fellow candidates for your encouragement, and being on this journey with me. Thank you to all of my fellow team mates, you are such a big part of my journey, and I wouldn't want to travel this road without you. And a heartfelt thank you to all of the Sifu's, your time invested in me is not without notice, or appreciation. Your knowledge and guidance provides the substance of my journey. If not for you all, I am just walking a path that leads nowhere. I am not alone on this path to Mastery, nor could I do it, or want to do it alone.

Grounded

 The past couple of years have been unpredictable, to say the least. It has been tough for everybody. It has been lonely, uncertain and change is the new word of the century. 

I have also been dealing with the declining health of my mom throughout the last several years. Dementia. A nasty decease that steals a loved one from you while they are still here. 

My family has been a great support throughout all of this, but they are also a part of it. They see what I see, they feel what I feel. It is hard to differentiate my family from this, as it is happening to them as well. 

The one thing in my life that has kept me really grounded is my Kung Fu. It has allowed me to be outside of my head, while always being myself. I don't have to be strong for someone else, I don't have to put the brave face on, and smile through it. Kung Fu is just there for me. It is there to help guide me, to take me away when I need to be removed for a while, it is a path to journey through my life, in its entirety. I have often turned to my training, to reel myself back in. When life feels like it is spinning out of control, I concentrate on my forms. When I am angry at life and what it is handing me, I practice my technique's. 

In having Kung Fu, I am also learning more about me, and about life in so many different ways, I didn't think possible. I feel Kung Fu allows me an outlet to carry on in the best way that I can. It teaches me patience, understanding, and empathy. Not only for others, but for myself. I cannot change the world alone, but what I do does count, and will make a difference.

Not Without Sacrifice

 My boss came into my office the other day to chat about a one on one she had with another team member. When the other team member was asked what their goal was, the answer was - I want to be Deb. They want to achieve what I achieve in my weekly goals, and the objectives set out by the company we work for. I have won many awards with my company, and continue to be a top performer week after week, year after year. I am not tooting my own horn, simply stating the facts at my workplace. 

My bosses response was being a top performer does not come without sacrifice. It is not about punching that proverbial time card of our job description putting in 7.25 hours per day, 5 days a week. I am usually at work by 8:30 am, and not leaving until about 6:30 pm. I also work on my days and weekends off. Why you may ask. The answer to me is simple - I have made a commitment to my client, and I will do my best to complete it correctly, and within an acceptable time frame.
I do not do this job, or work the hours I work for recognition, or an award. I do what I do because I care about my clients, and I care about the work that I do. The best reward I get is seeing the difference I can make in someone's life, and for them to refer family and friends to me. That says it all. That is why I do what I do. 

When my boss said this to me, my first thought was my kung fu training, and how I approach my training. We have that proverbial time card of 2 - 1 hour classes weekly (as well as IHC, if you are in it). If your goal is to attend your classes, and progress in a manner of what is allotted to you, that is great.  If your goal is to become a black belt, then that 'time card' is a myth. I need to put the time in, I need to push myself, I need to 'work' my extra hours to achieve my goal. I want to enrich my journey, and am very grateful for those that provide guidance along the way.

The one thing I continually remind myself of is I do not do this on my own. I may win awards at work, and the first thing I do is thank my team, and those around me. If not for them, I would not have the time to do what I do. We all take on different projects, different levels of work. They are as much a part of the award as I am. I also thank my family, if not for them, and understanding my long hours, I wouldn't be able to do it. The 'house' jobs of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc are shared, and I am thankful they are willing to help get it all done. 

We obtain stripes on our belts, and rise in belt ranks. We do not do this on our own. Our instructors are guiding us through these levels. If not for their time, knowledge, and willingness to help us succeed, we would not be where we are. Again, we need to put the work in, but without the tools to help us, how would we possibly obtain that? We need to maintain the integrity of this martial art. To respect the history, and those that came before us, and will come after us. 

I personally think sacrifice is a harsh word. I prefer choice. It is my choice to follow these paths. I choose to be accountable, and I find great joy in what I do. 

'Take your first step towards mastery by removing everything in your environment that represents mediocrity, removing your arbitrary limits' - this does not equate to 'sacrifice'. 

Thanks for reading, see you on the mats!